The winds of life ....

Winds of uncertainty

2010-03-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

I should be sleeping right now but the winds are howling through my mind. An unforgiving force beating against my every pore. I am in a jumble not knowing which way to turn where to look what to think. I am lost in a fog with no way out.

I don't let people in, I build walls to keep them out. If you let someone in then u give them the power to hurt you. To destroy you. The more u let them in the more they will end up hurting you. Mr. Ego was able to get in.. How I don't know.. he was able to get in farther then any one has been in years.. He is the only one who knows the real me the true hidden me.. I didn't try to let him in. One day he was just there.. One the inside looking out.. And he has been the one to hurt me more then anyone as of late. Its my fault.. I shouldn't let it matter but it does.. The icing on the cake.. As he puts it.. Icing made of salt rubbed into a cut deeper then any I have ever had is what I say.. How do i stop it. How do i get him out. Why can he hurt me so damn much. And most of all how the hell did he get in??

And M.I.M... I am running scared there. M.I.M. is awesome and sweet and kind. But each day I find he is getting inside my walls a little more. Each day another piece of my wall has come down. I try to stop it I try to keep him out but for some reason I cant and I hate that. It scares the hell out of me.. I don't want him to be able to hurt me. but most of all I don't want him to see what is behind those walls and run..

Funny thing is none of this should even matter. Neither one of them should be able to have any hold on anything to do with me. As I sit here tonight with the man i am in love with sitting two feet from me playing trying to ease my mind I am still fighting this inner turmoil. He should be the only one to have the power to hurt me. Why is ego and M.I.M able to get in as well.. Why wont the freaking tears stop.. Why, why cant the winds jut go away again...

~~~~~~ a dream on the wind ~~~~~~

A Confusing Wind

2010-03-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

I have yet to find just what wind is stirring about me tonight. It has been blowing strong for the last few days and I am lost and confused and I hate that feeling. I hate not knowing what is going on or why I feel the way I do. The fact that i am sitting here fighting off tears pisses me off. I cant cry. I cant let people see that I hurt. I cant let them know that behind this mask there is a human with a heart and feelings that do exist.
If i were honest with myself this confusion started years ago but it seems like the last week it has all hit at once and hit hard. Anymore I don't know what way is up or down. I am as a boat sinking fast with no hope of survival. I guess there are a few main things that are getting to me and
I sit here tonight hoping that if i let them fly on the winds they will lesson and stop bothering me so much. so here I go ranting and raving once again letting my soul out exposed and raw..
It is amazing how when one is down they find out just how much they mean to others. I have recently found out just what I am worth and to those I thought meant allot to me I know know I am nothing. I have not been close to my family in years. Some closer then others. My brother just older then me speak once a year.My mother and I have not been able to be close since I found out she was sleeping with my husband at the time (thankfully he is now an ex). But my younger brothers and I as well as my oldest brother and father were as close as one could be. My oldest brother and I had finally been able to get over the past and move on. I had been able to forgive him for the things he had done and we were building a relationship as adults. My youngest brother and I were like most siblings and would talk and help each other out. But the brother just younger then I , we had always been close. I would do anything for him and he for I. we could talk about most anything. My dad, he has been ill for years and I have always been his little girl. No matter what we would always make up after and I use to know he loved me. But since my divorce things have changed. I shamed the family by divorcing. I disgraced them by not being strong enough to handle the parade of women my ex would bring home, or being able to live through the beatings when dinner wasn't ready on time or he had a bad day at work. Since then our family ties have fallen but I thought they were getting better. I was wrong. This past week I found out just what they thought of me. Its hard to think I am without family now but its the truth. As of now I have no one. It hurts and I have so much I want to just let out and tell someone but I cant drop the mask. I cant let people in.
Friends is another thing. I found who my real friends are. One thinks they are close to someone until something happens and then true colors come out. The people you thought you could turn to are no longer there until the next day when they want something. And then the walls go up. I went from having what I thought was a handful of close true friends to five. after 29 years of walking this earth I can only say I have 5 true friends how sad is that. The worse part is that 2 of them I hardly talk to and two others have me so confused it isn't even funny. One of them I have known for 21 yrs now and we have shared everything. I know that even though years go by and we don't talk if the phone rang she would be there as I would for her. Everything would be dropped and the wine would be opened followed by the coffee in the morn. She has been there for me when no one else has and I have been there for her. The other is Shit head. He has been there like a rock to beat my head against since we were 15. I know if i need a shoulder to cry on his will be there. I might have to share it with his wife and kids but its still there. Sadly we cant talk like we use to because of the wife. I refuse to make her uncomfortable and the closeness that we have does that so our friendship has suffered.. Then there is pain in the ass.. Its so sad that I consider him one of my five since I haven't spoken to him in two years. But he has been able to make me see the other side of things. He was the first person to ever ask if I would ever take the mask off and show the world what he knew was hidden. That leaves the two that are confusing the hell out of me.. Mr. Ego.. and my dear M.I.M. .. Ego was perfect everything was great. He was my best friend in the world, we had an understanding, we had the perfect match. Then he had to change the rules. You cant go from being there for me and I for you to saying the L word.. You cant go from having the kind of relationship where you would shoot one another to saying you have always had deep feelings.. You cant talk about his flavor of the week to him saying he only wants you. Why now why when I have finally found happiness?? Why not when I was unattached and needed someone. And after you say those things you cant just stop talking all together. It confuses me and throws me off.. It makes it so i cant think. So I don't want to think. Ego was the first person to ever say he wanted to know what was behind the mask. He was the first one to want me to take it off if for no one else but him. It is as though he can see through it and isn't afraid of what is there. But why now? And MiM.. I don't even know where to start. he is the only one i feel like i can be myself with and it frightens me. I feel like I can let the mask down and he wont judge me. Like he wont run away. I don't like that feeling. I don't want to let him in because when you let someone in they just hurt you. But each day he seems to be able to get in more and more. I find myself trying to keep him out. I realize he is getting in and find i have to walk. I have to build the walls up again. I don't understand how he can break them down. Why he would even want to. But yet the two who confuse me the most I find mean the most to me and I hate that.
Then there is myself.. I am so distraught and confused. I don't know what I am doing wrong. what to change. I just don't know anymore.

and now that i have sat here and rambled on and on and let the tears flow and the weakness show it s time to set this thought a float on the winds and see where it ends up.

~~ A Dream on the Wind ~~

The winds of fate...

2010-03-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since the winds of life have blown my way and compelled me to sit and write. Tonight as I watched the sun say its last goodbye to that around us and the moon began its slow ascent into the night sky the calming wind of fate came to rest about me. surrounding me in a peace i haven't felt for such a long time. So much has passed by unnoticed since the winds have blown. I feel compelled to write briefly on what has happened. Some big some small non that matter much. For the past 6 months I have now been cured we have finally gotten my count up to where it should be and it is staying there. No more treatment, no more drugs, no more worrying what people will think, most of all no more fighting.. Physical my body is feeling better then it has in years. I am still amazed that I have been able to keep it from not only friends but family. Just goes to prove how much a mask can really hide. My relationship is still shaky at times and unnerving at others. But I am still so deeply in love with him that I cant imagine a day passing without him in my life. The ex is still there and up to the same old crap.. but other then that nothing huge has happened. Other then the winds have come back into my life..
As i sit here with the calming wind of fate blowing about i find a peace i thought had been lost. On a day when one would think i would be pulling my hair out i find nothing can get to me. The endless ringing of the phone the countless text messages don't seem to matter today. Its as though I now know what must be done and have excepted it. Its time for the mask to come off and to let others see what lies hidden. I guess in a way I have been doing that for some time with this blog. As the winds move about me I have been writing here in the raw. Not holding back and letting the real me out. Maybe that is why the winds are constantly changing... Who knows what the winds will send my way next but I know now I am ready for them. I now feel that with all I have been through I am strong enough to make it.. I am stronger then people know.. It is time to show that strength to people.. It is time to fly on the winds around and go where they may take me...

~~ A dream on the Wind ~~

A mending wind...

2009-07-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry that it has been so long since I last wrote. So much has been going on here in the place where the winds seem to never stop. It seems that we have had one wind storm after another blow through our lives these last few weeks..
The first one to pass our way came when we were expecting it. When ever my ex husband starts to act civil we know that he is up to something. Well sure enough he is wanting to play dirty again. He is getting remarried and I am happy for him, the girl he is marring seems to be a very nice girl and i wish them all the best in life I hope that their marriage will be one of love and happiness and I mean that from the very depths of my heart. The storm hit when he informed me that he wants her to be able to adopt my children. I think not so once again it appears we will be headed back to court. I am hoping that it is just one more of his futile thoughts and nothing comes of it but it still broke branches off of our tree when the winds hit.
The second wind storm was not as strong when it hit yet it left damage as well. A certain person I have wrote about before has stupid to new lows and it is getting old. I sent an email trying to be nice asking this person to lunch one day. When I got no response I let it drop and had moved on. Until this person called the man I am with and told him that I hated them and wanted nothing to do with them hence causing friction between my man and I . So like any normal adult when he got home from work I showed him the emails and dates they had been sent to prove I had been trying. That was when the storm started. I received a phone call on my home phone from said person yet when I answered this person hung up. I tried to call back but they wouldn't answer and so I sent an email asking why they would call only to hang up on me when if they wanted to talk to my man all they had to do was ask and I would of handed him the phone. The response I got was rude, snotty and immature for a 30 year old. Sadly it didn't end there. In response to my email as well this person once again called my man at work and told him I had said several things I hadn't and that I was just trying to make problems. So once again when he returned home I showed him the emails I had gotten and sent.. He is now not talking to said person and I am getting crap from them because I am destroying a 12 yr friendship.. Sadly some people just need to grow up.. Needless to say that once again a few of our branches were knocked off the tree..
The biggest storm hit late in the week. my mans 14 yr old son was brought home to his mothers house by the cops.. It seems that this young man had decided to light a fire at a church building. The fire caused several hundred in damage.. He is now being charged with arson and is now having to be watched 24 hrs a day by an adult.. In a way it is nice because we are now able to spend some time with him but it is sad how it all had to come about. This is the first time he has ever been in trouble for anything.. When asked why he did it he simply said if he had to live with his mother he would rather be in jail.. Which makes us wonder what else is going on in the home to cause something like this. Sadly we have to deal with one thing at a time and right now that is keeping him out of jail.. After that we will be able to look into him maybe coming to live with us.. So needless to say this last storm almost took all the branches off our tree..
The good news is that a mending wind seems to be blowing now.. We went in today and got the latest test results back.. t seems this new cocktail that the Dr have me on and the last radical treatment that they did is working.. There have been no signs of rejection as of yet, and things seem to be maintaining the levels that are needed.. As of right now there has been no improvement but just to have the levels maintain themselves is a miracle in its self.. I am still weak and drained most of the time and the list of things to expect due to the meds is miles long. I am sure it stretches from here to Idaho.. Having only been on this cocktail for a short amount of time I am already seeing some of the side effects appear.. I look like a teenager again I am broken out with acne so bad I don't even want to leave the room. My hair continues to thin. I used to be able to take one of the large scrunchies and wrap it around my hair once when pulled in a pony tail.. Now I can wrap a medium one three times.. My skin is still an ungodly shad of yellow, and i am once again losing weight.. I guess I just might get back down to the size I was in high school.. Not many people can say that after having three children..lol..
One just takes the days as they come and makes the best out of them that they can. For now I will go out after each storm and pick up the branches that have been blown off, I will nurture and care for our loving tree, and smile because each day is one more day I am still here..

.... A dream on the Wind ...

A promising wind...

2009-06-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

I had planed to write tonight but I find that I am in need of bed and since we don't have a Lap top it isn't possible for me to sit up and write much now. But as sure as a new breeze will come I will write again when my strength is better, when Once again I have it in me to sit here and type the words that I have written on paper. For I am still writing just unable to type it out at this moment..

a dream on the wind

The Winds of Rejection

2009-06-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

It's funny how we go through our lives each and every day trying to do our best trying to make things better only to be rejected. There are so many different kinds of rejections that we face in our lives some touch home others we blow off and never think about again. Today I have spent most of the day thinking about rejection... Yesterday was a day out of hell for me I found myself wallowing in self pity then night hit I thought things would get better as the sun set, LOL how wrong I was.. Things went from bad to worse.. I was an idiot and thought hey I will give it one more shot to become Friends with a certain someone who is destroying my life. So I sent an email to this person.. All it said was hi hope you have a great day today. I am just writing this to see if maybe some time you would like to hang out and get to know each other better.. that was all.. Well low and behold I was already not having the best day and the man of my dreams got back from getting yet another medication in a pissed off mood. Seems that this person i sent the email to had to call him and let him know i was contacting them and that I had said a whole lot of crap I hadn't.. I know I shouldn't of but I lost it and I asked him if this certain person had to tell him every time they wiped there ass and how many squares they used as well.. Then I made him sit down at the computer and I made him read the email I had sent. After which he was even more upset but this time at the other person because I really didn't need the added stress to my day.. Now I sit here knowing that once again my attempts at starting a friendship have been rejected.. I am in desperate need of a friend here right now, all of mine are states away and it is getting hard. The man in my life is wonderful and amazing but at times you just need a girl friend to talk to. But here I sit rejected once again.. Then things took an ugly turn. At around 1:30 am I woke in pain like none I have ever felt. I have had three children one of which was an emergency cesarean with out time for pain meds.. (very long story one day I will share since they think that might be part of the cause of my problems now) So by 2am when the pain hadn't gotten any better the man in my life took me into the clinic. When I say the clinic it is not some back woods clinic. It is world known Mayo Clinic. Well here I am at 2 am in the clinic curled in a ball in so much pain that the morphine they are giving me isn't helping and the Dr's give us the news we have been fearing. My body is rejecting the new treatments. That is why I have been so sick for so long. The only thing that they can do is try and flush my system and get the drugs out.. Great just what i need more needles in my already punctured body.. But at that point if it would stop the pain I didn't care. So flush away. So there I sat rejected once again.. The funny part is that today after I got some sleep I feel as though I could take on the world. I haven't felt this strong in months. I haven't had energy like this in weeks. The love of my life seems to think it is because 1. there isn't a mini war going on inside my body anymore 2. because I finally got some sleep 3. because I am not pumped full of medications and 4. because I am according to him in a fighting mood. Not meaning that the two of us are fighting just the opposite we are closer now then we ever have been and happier now then we have been for awhile meaning that I am ready to take on any and everything today. He says I am like a mother bear protecting her cubs. I on the other hand think its because I am fed up with all the rejection. I honestly cant take any more.. I am at the end of my rope.. There is nothing I can do about it though and that pisses me off.. My moods change so fast anymore you would think I was going through menopause.. Hell I am only 29. But if i am not drained I am crying or pissy or sad or happy or glad or everything in between. I am just sick of feeling like nothing I do is good enough I am sick of the rejection.. I don't know what else to do to even have this person give a friendship a shot and I know that at least my life would be better if they would.. that old saying keep your friends close but your enemies closer well that is where this person fits in.. I have no clue what other treatments to try I am ready to just give up on all of them. Sadly I cant do this. The Dr say with out the treatments they cant guaranty anything yet with them they cant guaranty anything.. I told them today that I was going to go off everything for at least two weeks if I can I told them that if it starts to look bad again I will go back on but I want to see if maybe at least my hair will stop falling out.. I know how can I be so vain. Its easy I am sick of rejection. Wow talk about ranting today.. I think this is the longest I have sat up and wrote in weeks. Sadly I am ready to lay down for a few.. He res to another day and another rejection

... A Dream on the wind..

the winds of self pitty

2009-06-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

Today I sit here writing hoping that by putting my feelings down in words it will help. I find that as I sit here I am surrounded in pity. It is one of those days when it feels as though the weight of the world is upon my shoulders and I just cant go one. It started out with yet another sleepless night. The war that is going on inside my body right now is taking a toll on me that is greater then I thought. I was unable to even get out of bed long enough yesterday to take a shower or do the laundry. The man I have come to love more then anything had to help me walk the five feet from the bed to the restroom. That is when it started to soak in. How am I any good to anyone if I cant move. The pain got so bad I had to take pain pills and I have been avoiding them for the last few months. They keep promising that things will get better. Yet I am losing hope. The war that is being fought within grows it seems until I am ready to explode and then a calm null sets in. I am awaiting that calmness. I was able to get out of bed today and shower but I found myself sitting on the floor of the shower with the water cascading around me in tears as I held handfuls of hair in my hands. It proved to me that I am with the worlds best man though. After being in there for over an hour I guess he got worried and came to see if i was okay. He found me sitting there with the icy water pounding away in tears holding what had once been my hair. All women with long hair know that it is normal to "shed" a little when you brush it and wash it, but when you have handfuls it brings tears to your eyes. Being the sweet man that he is he turned off the water wrapped me in a towel and carried me to the bed (not an easy task even though I have lost allot of weight I am still 128lbs) there he held me close and let me know that things would be okay. At a time like this laughter is the best thing and he has been able to make me laugh each and every day. When the tears were strongest he told me to look on the bright side at least we would save money on shampoo.. Then he reminded me that Britney Spears had her picture in every news paper around when she went bald.. Bald is back in. :) To many of you I know that this seems strange to be saying but it helped me over that pity party i was throwing. Yet now i sit here writing wishing I had a picture of me from before that was a good one. I don't want my kids to see me like this. I don't want the world to see me like this. I guess you can call me vain and petty. I am just sick of looking in the mirror and seeing a yellow monster look back at me. NO matter how many times the man of my dreams tells me i am pretty and sexy I don't feel it. I have two weeks until the next treatment and here i sit still feeling like crap. The last one didn't hit so hard. I was up and going a week after. As though nothing had happened. Its been two weeks now and the war hasn't stopped. People keep saying I am one of the strongest people they know because of everything I have been through in life. The thing is that no one knows about this. Because I don't want them to I don't want their pity and their shame. I have enough of that as it is on my own but I fear I am failing. I am not that strong. I am weak. I don't know if I can go on much longer. How can one be strong when they sit in a shower and cry? How can one be strong when they don't have energy enough to even cook a meal for their loved one? How can one be considered strong when they cant even clean the house? When all they want to do is sleep yet cant. How can I be a strong person when I feel so low.. I hope the self pity part leaves on the next breeze because it is getting to me. I honestly don't know how much more I can handle. I need at least one good week between treatments so i can get things ready for the next war that will come my way. Even the best troops need to have reinforcements. I guess all I can do is hold on to hope and pray that this battle will soon be won...

.... A Dream on the Wind...

a stress filled wind

2009-05-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

What is one to do when you feel like everything has hit at once and there isn't even time to breath., let alone get things done? At times I sit here and wish that I could turn back time or at least slow it down. Here it is 1 o'clock in the afternoon and I still have so much to do today because i didn't do crap yesterday. I got the news of a friends death yesterday morning and that blew my day apart so today on top of the things I needed to do for today I now have yesterdays to add to it. Why do we let ourselves become over whelmed like this? I know have blogs to write, emails to get sent off, shopping to do, house work that is needing to be done, I have furniture to rearrange and a room to finish packing, my work out is calling I cant skip two days in a row I will never lose the extras 30 lbs I have ) I am sick of feeling like I am not good enough, I am working on getting back down to my high school size a size 6 is just to big size 3 here i come). By then it will be time to make a light dinner and start the food for tonight's get together, get everything ready for the band to have a place to play (since it is raining and things have to be moved inside). I am hoping to squeeze a shower in somewhere and maybe find time to put clothes on.. The washing machine has washed its last load and has finally given up so I need to find a new/used one of those since the laundry is starting to back up. The truck is trying to tell us that she is ready to be put to rest by having her heater core go out. The dinning room set that we picked out and paid for still hasn't arrived so I am searching for something to use tonight. ( thank god they make folding tables) The rugs for the house are on back order.. And the topper on the cake is that the company that my man works for is wanting to send him out of town again.. For who knows how long this time or when.. When the wind blows it sure seems to blow strong.. With this much stress who needs anything else...

............ A Dream On The Wind ...........

A somber wind....

2009-05-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

I didn't plan on writing tonight as I finished cleaning the house and sat down to finally relax. Yet I find as I sit here watching the minutes tick slowly by on the clock counting down to the time when the man of my dreams will walk through the door I am pulled to write.. So much has gone on these last few days that I find I am at a loss for words and thoughts. For anyone that knows me this will be a shock for I always seem to have a thought on something.. I guess I just need to take a step back from life right now and release what is pent up inside. I need to let my feelings drift away on a wind so that they are not boxed within myself.
Many of you watch the show "Grays Anatomy" on the show one of the characters once said something that has had a huge effect on the world today. She said that another character was "her Person". Meaning that that person was the one person in the world that they could turn to no matter what. I found that I have or I should say had "a person" she was there for me when no one else would be. I could talk to her and tell her what was going on and she wouldn't judge. We were talking the other day about the relationship I am in. I shared with her a few things that have been bothering me. Such as the fact that the man I am with means everything to me. He is my world. I cant wait for the day that he will meet my family and friends (they live several states away), yet it feels like he doesn't want me to meet any of his friends or family ( his dad lives 1/2 a mile away). When I shared these things with "My person" she expressed that I was just his DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. This hurt allot. It still dose. I told him ( the man of my dreams) about it and since then he has made a joke about it. I was a horrible person though and because of the pain I was feeling I turned it back around on "my person" and made her feel like shit. I have sense tried to apologize to her for it. I know that two wrongs do not make a right. If I could take back the words I told her I would. She is "my person" and I miss her..
Another thing that is weighing me down making it so I am unable to catch that wind is something that shouldn't get to me but it is. The man I so deeply in love with has four children from a previous marriage. Tomorrow the oldest is being confirmed in the Lutheran church. I am not Lutheran, nor do I admit to knowing much about the religion. I know very little. The thing is that even though I am not that religion it is still a big thing. His whole family will be in town for it. Yet he hasn't even thought of asking if I want to go. Instead I am staying home while he attends the confirmation and what ever is after. Is there something wrong with me that he doesn't want to be seen around me? It just hurts that he didn't even think to ask me to attend with him. The only thing that is giving me hope is that it is a family thing. Yet you would think the fact that we live together and have been for some time now would mean something. Maybe I am just making it out to be bigger then it is..
My mind is in turmoil right now with so many different thoughts. Those are only the surface. I just don't know..

......... A Dream On The Wind.......

A failing wind...

2009-05-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

I sit and write today feeling that I am set a drift on a failing wind. I feel as though I am failing in all I say and do. I find myself wondering thoughts I fear are true... At night I dream of things that wake me in a cold sweat. I hope that these feelings will fly away on the next prevailing wind. Yet I fear they are here to stay.
I find myself failing to keep the interest of the one I love. Maybe if I were better things would be diff rent. If I were better looking, if I were thinner, maybe smarted, if I kept the house cleaner if it felt more like a home. Hell maybe if I were just someone else all together then things would be different.
I am finding that I wonder what I am doing so wrong that the little things I crave are not there. Maybe if I were someone else then I wouldn't be hidden away. Maybe then I would be part of his life and not just some "dirty little secret". Maybe then he would want me to meet his family and friends. I long for the day he will meet my kids, Yet here I sit watching the sun rise and fall day after day never meeting a soul..
Some one stops by and I am hidden from view as though I were a leaper or a carrier of The Swine Flu. Are my looks that bad? Friends call yet WE never go out. We don't do anything outside the home at least not together. Am I really that shameful to be seen with. I try to make our home comfortable, one that he can be proud of. One that is comfortable and friendly yet, no one is allowed inside if I am there. Am I that bad?
I long for the nights to come so we can spend time together. Yet we seem to be apart even as we sleep. Just to have his arms around me I feel needed and wanted. As though I belong. Is there some part of me that is failing as a woman that makes it so he doesn't want to hold me? Am I inadequate in some way?
Do I not express my love enough or in the wrong way? Is there something that I can do different? I find that I dread the calls from my family because they always ask the same thing and I am unable to answer them. "Have you met his family yet? How are his friends?" I feel I am failing everyone because I am unable to answer.
The winds are blowing This night as I prepare to go to bed alone. I know the dreams are coming and there is nothing I can do. The only time that they stay at bay is when he holds me close. Yet somehow I have failed him there as well and he doesn't seem to notice if I am close or not.
Maybe someday I will find where all my mistakes have been and he will let me in his life. Maybe one day I will meet his family and I will stop being his "dirty little secret" as my friends are calling me. Maybe one day his friends will stop in to say hi! Hell maybe someday I will be something he doesn't have to hide.
Until that day I will go on as I am now. Loving him, longing for his touch. I will wake each day enjoying being next to him.. I will spend each moment falling deeper in love with him.. Why because I LOVE HIM..

........ A dream on the wind ........

The Winds of Self Worth...

2009-04-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

............ Unknown..............

Tonight as I sit and write these Words blew across my life once again. They bring hope and strength to me in my times of need. I am one of the worst people out there for seeing my self worth. I look at my self each day in the mirror and hate what I see. But like these words say I have done each and every thing they speak of.. There have been many times in my life when I have wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and there will be many many more, yet I smile and act as though nothing is wrong. I have found myself signing at the hardest of times just to hold back the tears so no one will know that there is something wrong. More tears of happiness have slid down my cheeks then I care to count and when I have found myself nervous I can recall the laughter that would ring out. Any one who knows me will tell you that if I believe in something with all my heart I will never back down and that when something in just takes place I will be the first one there to set it right. The word "no" has no meaning when I know that there is a way. There have been many times when I have gone without and there will be many many more to come so that the ones I love will never have to know what it fills like. I would gladly give everything I have to shelter them from lives pain. My friends know that no matter what it may be no matter what time of the day I will be there for them if it is possible. Be it sitting in the delivery room when a husband can't make it, or staying up all night talking because they just need an ear to listen. That's what friends do. I know of no other kind of love then unconditional. Once you have my love it is there no matter what you may say or do. I have shed many tears over the things my kids have done, from the first breath they took to the first steps they walked, isn't that what all mothers do? Many nights I sat and watched as one friend or another reached some goal in life. As each and every one of them walked across a stage one night and were handed their diplomas I sat there in the stands and my voice rang through the air. When I got married I had three friends who swore they wouldn't marry for sometime yet when all three found a man to love and honor I was there in thought and mind to cheer them on their way and as each one took on the challenge of motherhood I was there to help them if I could. Sadly my heart has broken many many times as I have stood by and watched the lifeless body of one friend after another be lowered into the cold hard earth. As each family member of mine has passed away I grieved as any one will. Yet I have always found the strength to go one even when I didn't think I could. any times it has been because of these words and many more because of the great friends that i am lucky enough to have. The greatest healing tool that we have isn't medicine or technology. No matter what advance we as humans come out with none can heal the pain a friend feels deep in there heart after a loss like your arms wrapping round them letting them know your there. Nothing can cause the pain to leave as fast as a kiss given out of love can. Through out the years I have been many shapes.. yes I stand by the saying that round is a shape because for years I was round. I haven't always had the body I now have.. That comes from lots and lots of hard work and sacrifice.. Some of my favorite moments have been my morning coffee with a wonderful person over emails when we find the time. On days when I am down I can open my inbox and find a letter or a note. I try to do the same just out of the blue to bring a smile to the faces of those I care about. I know I am not the best at times and that weeks might go by when they hear nothing from me but when I can I try to send them something just to let them know I care. A woman dose have everything to give and most times we give it with out even knowing that we have. There have been so many times that I didn't even know I gave until looking back on them now. I know that I don't see my self worth like others see it in me. Just as each and everyone out there doesn't see theirs. When your down and out when your at the end of your rope. When hope has left you and you feel you cant go on. Read these words and then do as I have. Take each saying apart and think about it. You are worth so much more then you think..

The winds of loss

2009-04-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

I came across this in some of my older writings today. As I sat and read it I recalled the day I wrote it and the feelings I felt. So now I am sending it out into the world on the wind hoping maybe it will touch the life of someone new..

The worst feeling

There's never worse a feeling
Then when looking into a child's eyes
There face gone white, and lips gone silent
As their to afraid to cry

There's an unsteady and eerie feeling
When the toys are put away
When no mud tracks are on the carpet
And the child has nothing to say

There's a deathly rim of silence
When the child sits alone
When there's no warmth in his finger
And no expressions are freely shown

There's no way for you to comfort them
When they hear a loved one is gone
As they find out death and reality
Is not just a mournful song

A lump is brought upon your throat
When you don't know what to say
Watching as they slowly kneel down
And you quietly hear them say

"God if your up there
Please look this way and listen to me
There's no one else that I can go to
That can calm away this agony"

..............................................

...A dream on the wind.....

Questions on the wind

2009-04-25T23:04:00.000-07:00

I was asked a question the other day and I found my answer.. It was strange because it floated to me on the wind.. The question I was asked was "How can you say that you love someone if you have never met them?" You see the man that I am madly deeply and oh so in love with and I didn't meet in the traditional way. Before we ever saw each other face to face we had already fallen in love. In fact the first time he ever said " I Love You " was in a text half a country away.. In answer to the question I was asked I wrote this...

Ask the Blind Man...

When asked how one could love another..with out ever seeing them
How feelings could be so strong.. or if they were even true
I answered with a question of my own that rang out with honesty...

If a man sits next t his wife of 30 pulse years
holding her hand as the grandchildren play near by
as he turns to whisper sweet nothings in her ear...
Is it not true simply because he's blind?

The blind man has never laid eyes on his bride.. yet dose he love her any less?
He may not know what she looks like in a crowded room.. but he could pick her out without even a sound
He may not know if her hair is gold or brown..But he could tell you if she's happy by the way she moves around
In all honesty the blind man is the lucky one because he can not see..
The love he shares for his wife is from the inside looking out
he was able to fall in love without a second glance
So is it possible to love someone without ever seeing them?
Ask the blind man... or better yet ask his WIFE..

....................................................................................

I hope that might answer the question that was asked of me...

.................... A Dream on the Wind ...................

The winds of jealousy

2009-04-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

A new wind has blown through my life today. I have never been a jealous person. I had friends who were in the past and it never struck me as something I would be. So much has happened through out my life that I could have been jealous about. My friends always had better clothes then I did. I was the poor one who wore hand me downs and thrift store clothes. My mother made my prom dresses, but none of that bothered me growing up. My best friend in the world cheated on me with my boyfriend and then started dating him. It hurt but I wasn’t jealous. I have always been the ugly duckling out of my circle of friends but I was okay with that. It just meant I didn’t have to spend as much time worrying about what I looked like or who saw me because people would look to my friends first. In the nine years I spent married to a man I never got jealous when he would go out of town on his “business trips” or even at the end of the marriage when he started to bring his girlfriends home and I was sleeping on the kitchen floor. (Yes it was a great marriage and some day I will write about it) But As I sit here tonight I find that I am extremely jealous. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who I care about more then anything in life. He is my life.. Yet he has a friend who has been his friend for years long before I came into the picture. And yes it is a female friend. He knows and I know that she would like the friendship to be a lot more then just a friendship. She just strikes me the wrong way. She can and dose call at all hours of the night and it doesn’t matter what we may be doing. He will stop and answer her call or text her back. Yet when I call or text him he hardly ever answers and even more seldom returns my call. She has a myspace page and has been leaving little things on it such as hoping to hang out next week or wishing on a star or little things that just set me off the wrong way. I tried to be friends with her invite her over to the house while he was at work things like that but she wouldn’t come over as long as I was home the moment I leave town she is there all night watching movies and making sure I know she was there.. I trust the man I am with fully I know that nothing happened and I know that as long as him and I are together nothing will happen. But at the same time I wish she would go away. It is hard because he works long hours yet he always finds the time to talk to her or spend time with her. I wish he would do the same for me.. We live together but he has gone out with her more then he has me. He will go and play pool with her yet he has never once even asked me if I would like to go.. These are such new feeling for me that I am going insane I have never felt this before and I don’t know how to handle it.. Do I tell him how I feel..? Do I tell her how she makes me feel? Or do I just learn to live with it.. I wish the winds would blow some advice my way for I am at a loss…. Some one anyone please help…

Tears in the wind

2009-04-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

I find as I sit here and write the last blog I may write for a while that as a new wind blows about it is filled with tears. I am finishing my laundry now as I type, packing the last of my things, and getting ready to leave for a 5 am trip to the airport where I am taking to the winds and going home. Yet the wind is filled with tears. My father is already in tears because I am leaving. No matter how many times I tell him I will return. No matter how happy I am, nor the fact that I am returning to a wonderful man who loves me and I love him. My father still sits in his room in tears. I find myself confused about it and hurt at the same time. I am confused because all four of my brothers have left for distances farther then I travel. Three out of the four are still gone. When my brothers return to my parent’s home to visit, my father doesn’t shed a tear over them returning to their homes. Yet when the time comes for me to leave his tears won’t stop. Is it because I am the only girl, because I am daddy’s little girl? Are the tears because he doesn’t want me to leave? Are they falling because he feels that I shouldn’t go? I am an adult I need to live my life. I have made a home with a wonderful man and I long to return to it. I may be his little girl but that doesn’t mean that I won’t come and visit again. Can’t I be his little girl while I am in the place with the person I long to be with? Can’t he see that I am happy? A time that was filled with joy and excitement for me is turning into a time of trial and hurt. I hate making my dad cry but at the same time I long to go home, I long to be in the arms of an amazing man who holds my heart. Maybe I am wrong for leaving, yet how can I be wrong if that is where my heart is? All I know is I am going home, but I will come back to visit. I will still call and email. The pictures will still be sent. Nothing is changing other then I am going home. If that makes me a bad person then I am sorry. I never wanted the tears to blow in the wind..

A confusing wind...

2009-04-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

I sit here in the dark and write tonight as I await a text from the one I love with all my heart and soul. I write because my mind is confused right now and this is a way to maybe let it air out. Today was one of the best days I have had for a very long time. I am finally going home to the arms of a wonderful man. I am finally not stressed over the top. Don’t get me wrong I am still stressing over more then I should but for once I am half way at peace. Today was one of the first days in a long time that I wasn’t in tears for most of it. Stupid me. I thought that the full day would be as great as it had started out. Hence where the confusion starts to creep in.

My father is in pretty poor health and has been for years. The last few years have been really hard on him and according to my family they were because of the choices I had made. The biggest one being that my ex husband and I got divorced. Since I have been with the man I am now with my fathers health has seemed to not improve but it hasn’t declined any either. If you ask my brother who is just younger then me it is because my father knows I am happy and in good hands. Yet if this were the case, then why when I let him know the travel plans today dose he suddenly take a turn for the worse. Is it simply bad timing, or did my telling him that I am going home in a week have something to do with his mini-stroke he had today? If my leaving is such a big thing to him then why has he been pushing for me to go and causing so much stress on me? Dose it not matter to him that I am happy, that I am loved, that I want to go? If him seeing me happy has made it so his health has stopped decreasing then why when I have been so miserable these last few weeks without the one I love has my father’s health not continued to decrees?

It isn’t only the health of my father that has me so confused. Right now I am having to look at friendships that once meant a great deal to me and reevaluate them. I am learning now who my true friends are and are not. A true friend is there when you need them to be. If it is ..3 am.. and you are just feeling down in the dumps a true friend is the one that is there talking you through it. When you tell someone that you wish you could just pay them to shoot you a true friend is the one that tells you they will bring their own gun and do it for nothing more then a favor. Come to find out all that favor consist of is you spending some time with them after which they will shoot you themselves.. That’s a true friend. But most of all a true friend is happy for you no matter how they feel about the choice you are making. If it is something that makes you happy then they are there to back you up. Even if deep down they think it is a mistake. A true friend will let you make those mistakes in life but will be there to pick you up after knowing that this one time might be the right choice and if it is then they want to be there to see you happy.. Because that’s what friends do.

As of late I have had a few people whom I considered friends show me that in truth they never really were that great of friends. If they had been the kind of friend that I thought then they would be happy for me. They might not like it but they would still be happy for me. Thankfully at the same time I have found who my true friends are. They have told me how they feel about things that are happening and then they have said “as long as you’re happy that’s what matters”. My favorite is “It’ not my life I don’t have to like what you do, I only have to like you”. The one that sticks with me every day is “Fuck everyone else do what you want to do and be happy, this kind of happiness only comes once in a lifetime, you know where I am if you need me” Those are the true friends. Not the ones who have been telling me what I need to do or that I am not considering anyone else in my choices.

I am just confused tonight is all and this is just ramblings of a mind that is not thinking. All I know right now is that I have an awesome man that I am going home to, one that I love with all my heart and soul. I have a few great friends who have been there for me through a lot and are still true friends.. I could name them but I don’t need to because they know who they are.. They are the true friends that will drive 80 miles an hour in the middle of a snow storm just to see you scream.. They are the ones who just know when you need a beer after a hard days work even if you just walked in the door. They are the ones that make Gumby sleep on the floor so that you could have his spot on the bed, or go out at ..2 am.. in 19 degree weather to prove they know how to make bon fire and then warm you up after when the fire failed.. LOL.. Their the ones that find a way to pull you out of the mud when you are stuck, and are there to take you out for coffee when you just need an ear to listen to you rant and rave even if it is the first time they have seen you in a long long time (or ever).. Those are the friends that are true to you in life. Thanks guys.

Ok I am done ranting and raving for the night, I will call it quits now that your minds are as confused as mine..

The stillness of winds…

2009-04-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

As I sit here and write an eerie feeling has come over me. No winds blow tonight. There is a dead stillness that has steeled upon me. A bleak nothingness rests upon my weary soul. I am a nothing lost in a vast sea of emptiness set a drift with no where to go. All I can do is sit and wait. Hope that soon some form of wind will find my empty sails and set them a drift once more. I am losing hope in all that is and was, in all that waits to be. It is all I can do to hold on to the last remaining fragments of my heart grasping at the few straws that are given to me. I find I am getting closer each time the sun sets to releasing my soul to take flight one last time on the final breeze of life. I fear that this stillness that I am caught in is the calm before the storm. I pray that it is just a loll in life’s hectic path. I find myself searching for the hand I long to hold to lead me out of the nothingness to hold me close once more. Soon some breeze must stir my empty sails and send me out of the sea I am now trapped within. Maybe as the sun kisses the sky come morn my sails will billow once again stretching tight and true. Maybe they will be filled with a breeze that will carry me home once more. The stillness is unsettling and I find that my mind has begun to wonder to thoughts I wish not to see. Pictures are being painted within my minds eye. Pictures of things that are destroying me as I sit and wait for the winds of life to come. Alone I drift through the eerie night. Praying wondering hoping waiting upon the winds of life..

The Winds of Doubt…

2009-04-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

A steady wind has been blowing about me for the last few days and as each day passes it builds in strength. With each gust that pushes against my being more doubt is fed into my soul. I sit here day after day longing to go home. Waiting for that breeze that will carry me on my way. Night after night I am told it will soon be on its way. That soon I will find myself in the arms of the one I love so dear. Yet as each day comes to an end and the sun sinks from view, nothing has changed other then broken promises and tears. The winds of doubt feed upon the broken promises and gain strength with each one. How hard is it to take one min and return a text? Pick up the phone when it rings and say your busy but will call back.. When one can find the time for others in their life but not for the one they say they love.. Then yea the doubts begin to grow. The winds of doubt are cold, unforgiving, and relentless upon the soul. No shelter can be found from them and it is taking its toll. I am cold now and losing hope fast. I feel my heart breaking, shattering like a dropped glass. I sit here now hoping, dreaming, longing, that the winds will let up one day soon. For if I am forced to stay much longer I fear the worst will come. The time is fast approaching when I release my soul to the winds and let it soar for the last and final time. Knowing that the winds of doubt could so easily be gone, if only one would call or text, keep a promise that was given. Hell utter three simple words and the winds would even calm. “I love you” seems to be the calming force to all winds of life. Until then I try to hold on, be strong as I walk through the winds of doubt this day. I will hold out until the sun has gone, hoping that the winds of doubt will soon lose the power they hold..

>>>>> A Dream Upon The Wind <<<<<

The winds of disappointment…..

2009-04-08T23:46:00.001-07:00

As I sit here in the wee hours of the morn the winds of disappointment blow strong through out. I have found myself hoping, wishing, dreaming, to soon go home and be back with the one I love. Tonight the gods played the cruelest trick of all upon us by sending the winds of disappointment to fill our souls. Just when the man I love thought things would be done and over with and we would be able to once again be in each others arms, he is told by the CEO of the company that it will be at least another month. My heart is breaking as I sit and write tonight. The wind is blowing strong and taking with it the pieces that are falling off. Taking them off the isle of hate and destruction to a distant land yet unseen. My vision is blurred from the tears of pain as they fall from my eyes. This last month has been the longest and hardest time I have had. How am I supposed to make it another? I can’t stay upon this isle or I won’t ever get off.. I need to feel the warmth of my love once more to give me the hope and strength I need to continue on. There seems to be no shelter from the winds of disappointment. They bear down upon my very soul in forces stronger then any I have known before. What have I done to anger the gods? What cruel trick of karma is this? I beg the gods and goddesses to please change the winds soon. Please send forth a wind to brighten my soul and take me off the isle I have found myself upon…take pity upon me please… lift this wind that blows….

………. A dream upon the wind ………….

The winds of hell .....

2009-04-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

The winds of hell hath no remorse. They burn hot and pure as they sting your soul. I find that I am stuck within these winds today as I fight for my very existence. The isle of pain and deceit has taken me as a hostage and is fighting to keep me subdued. I fight and struggle to break free from its clasp only to be blown back in by the winds of hell once more. The harshness of the winds bitter and hateful song stings my eyes and burns my skin. I can feel the blisters of pain begin to swell upon my every limb. What have I done to be punished by the gods and goddess so..? Where did I turn wrong to bring this hellish wind upon my brow? Who did I wrong in some unseen past life? As I sit here tonight shivering from fright I burn from the heat of the hellish wind at my back. Scream its terrifying cream at me. Singing its dreaded song in my ear. Filled with pain and deceit do I believe the words it says? Are they true or being said to cause my heart more pain?

My isle of deceit and pain I am stuck upon is the home of my family. The hellish wind is the people who are suppose to love you more then anything no matter what. And the hellish wind that blows upon my life is their wants and wishes their minds and thoughts. They scream for me to stay, they badger for me to listen, and they threaten me with things unheard. If I were to believe the words they speak I would think that the one I love has forgotten me upon this isle that he is stringing me along until something new comes his way. How could it be possible that something which feels so right could in fact be wrong? Is it just the hellish winds way of cutting me to the bone? Is it a way to trap me here upon this isle of hate and deceit? I wish I knew the answer to which I seek. For maybe then I could find shelter from the winds of hell that are upon me this day….

…………. A dream on the wind …………

A lonely wind ........

2009-04-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight as I sit a lonely forgotten wind blows through my life. I feel forgotten and lost. Confused and wondering. As each day passes I long to be back home yet for some unseen reason I am unable to go. For days it was talked about me leaving 2morow then it was pushed back until Tuesday but now nothing is in the works. It’s as though I have been forgotten by the gods once more. Doomed to be trapped upon this isle of destruction and hate for all eternity. I came to the isle for three reasons. 1. To see my children again. 2. To visit family and 3. Because the love of my life was being sent out of town on business and didn’t want me to be at home alone. That was a month ago. At the time we were expecting a strong wind to carry me home in two weeks.. That wind has never come. Instead A forgotten wind blows. My phone calls go unanswered; my nights are spent sitting up alone longing. Sleep is a thing of the past the has slipped away on the forgotten wind. I enjoyed the first few weeks upon the isle but it is time to leave. The destruction and hate are starting to set in. My family is determined that they can make me stay upon the isle with them and forget about the one I long to see. They are trying to convince me he has forgotten me thus why I am alone. The hatred for one another grows each day I remain. Tonight as the forgotten breeze blows ruffling my hair I find the tears slipping down my checks once more. Each unanswered call chips away at my heart more and more. I understand that work is an important part of ever life. But once I would like to be as well.. The forgotten wind is cold and lonely, I only hope it passes through my life quickly and with out a lasting effect..

……………….. A dream upon the wind ……….

Waiting on a breeze…

2009-04-05T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting for a month now with no breeze to stir my life. I am missing the one thing that means the world to me more then anything I have known. It has been a month now since I have felt his touch, heard his soft breathing in my ear. The memory of his kiss, his smile, his laugh are fading on the passing breeze. I sit here wondering how much longer before a gentle breeze will come and take me home. How much more time must pass before I am once again in the arms of the one I love. Is it wrong to miss someone so fully that all else stops to exist? Is it bad that I can’t sleep nor eat because the loneliness has crept in? I am wasting away as each day passes waiting for the breeze that will carry me home. Maybe if I wait long enough I will have wasted away enough that even the smallest of breezes can reach out and pick me up. I have heard it said that as time goes by the loneliness and emptiness that one feels starts to lessen. I don’t know what breeze these people have been floating on for I find that with each passing day, each hour that drags by, each minute that I am alone and each second that he is gone seems to become longer and longer. With time it hasn’t gotten easier instead it has become harder to live. I can only hope and pray to the gods and goddesses that soon my breeze will find me and soon I will be in his arms again..