A Confusing Wind

I have yet to find just what wind is stirring about me tonight. It has been blowing strong for the last few days and I am lost and confused and I hate that feeling. I hate not knowing what is going on or why I feel the way I do. The fact that i am sitting here fighting off tears pisses me off. I cant cry. I cant let people see that I hurt. I cant let them know that behind this mask there is a human with a heart and feelings that do exist.
If i were honest with myself this confusion started years ago but it seems like the last week it has all hit at once and hit hard. Anymore I don't know what way is up or down. I am as a boat sinking fast with no hope of survival. I guess there are a few main things that are getting to me and
I sit here tonight hoping that if i let them fly on the winds they will lesson and stop bothering me so much. so here I go ranting and raving once again letting my soul out exposed and raw..
It is amazing how when one is down they find out just how much they mean to others. I have recently found out just what I am worth and to those I thought meant allot to me I know know I am nothing. I have not been close to my family in years. Some closer then others. My brother just older then me speak once a year.My mother and I have not been able to be close since I found out she was sleeping with my husband at the time (thankfully he is now an ex). But my younger brothers and I as well as my oldest brother and father were as close as one could be. My oldest brother and I had finally been able to get over the past and move on. I had been able to forgive him for the things he had done and we were building a relationship as adults. My youngest brother and I were like most siblings and would talk and help each other out. But the brother just younger then I , we had always been close. I would do anything for him and he for I. we could talk about most anything. My dad, he has been ill for years and I have always been his little girl. No matter what we would always make up after and I use to know he loved me. But since my divorce things have changed. I shamed the family by divorcing. I disgraced them by not being strong enough to handle the parade of women my ex would bring home, or being able to live through the beatings when dinner wasn't ready on time or he had a bad day at work. Since then our family ties have fallen but I thought they were getting better. I was wrong. This past week I found out just what they thought of me. Its hard to think I am without family now but its the truth. As of now I have no one. It hurts and I have so much I want to just let out and tell someone but I cant drop the mask. I cant let people in.
Friends is another thing. I found who my real friends are. One thinks they are close to someone until something happens and then true colors come out. The people you thought you could turn to are no longer there until the next day when they want something. And then the walls go up. I went from having what I thought was a handful of close true friends to five. after 29 years of walking this earth I can only say I have 5 true friends how sad is that. The worse part is that 2 of them I hardly talk to and two others have me so confused it isn't even funny. One of them I have known for 21 yrs now and we have shared everything. I know that even though years go by and we don't talk if the phone rang she would be there as I would for her. Everything would be dropped and the wine would be opened followed by the coffee in the morn. She has been there for me when no one else has and I have been there for her. The other is Shit head. He has been there like a rock to beat my head against since we were 15. I know if i need a shoulder to cry on his will be there. I might have to share it with his wife and kids but its still there. Sadly we cant talk like we use to because of the wife. I refuse to make her uncomfortable and the closeness that we have does that so our friendship has suffered.. Then there is pain in the ass.. Its so sad that I consider him one of my five since I haven't spoken to him in two years. But he has been able to make me see the other side of things. He was the first person to ever ask if I would ever take the mask off and show the world what he knew was hidden. That leaves the two that are confusing the hell out of me.. Mr. Ego.. and my dear M.I.M. .. Ego was perfect everything was great. He was my best friend in the world, we had an understanding, we had the perfect match. Then he had to change the rules. You cant go from being there for me and I for you to saying the L word.. You cant go from having the kind of relationship where you would shoot one another to saying you have always had deep feelings.. You cant talk about his flavor of the week to him saying he only wants you. Why now why when I have finally found happiness?? Why not when I was unattached and needed someone. And after you say those things you cant just stop talking all together. It confuses me and throws me off.. It makes it so i cant think. So I don't want to think. Ego was the first person to ever say he wanted to know what was behind the mask. He was the first one to want me to take it off if for no one else but him. It is as though he can see through it and isn't afraid of what is there. But why now? And MiM.. I don't even know where to start. he is the only one i feel like i can be myself with and it frightens me. I feel like I can let the mask down and he wont judge me. Like he wont run away. I don't like that feeling. I don't want to let him in because when you let someone in they just hurt you. But each day he seems to be able to get in more and more. I find myself trying to keep him out. I realize he is getting in and find i have to walk. I have to build the walls up again. I don't understand how he can break them down. Why he would even want to. But yet the two who confuse me the most I find mean the most to me and I hate that.
Then there is myself.. I am so distraught and confused. I don't know what I am doing wrong. what to change. I just don't know anymore.

and now that i have sat here and rambled on and on and let the tears flow and the weakness show it s time to set this thought a float on the winds and see where it ends up.

~~ A Dream on the Wind ~~