the winds of self pitty

Today I sit here writing hoping that by putting my feelings down in words it will help. I find that as I sit here I am surrounded in pity. It is one of those days when it feels as though the weight of the world is upon my shoulders and I just cant go one. It started out with yet another sleepless night. The war that is going on inside my body right now is taking a toll on me that is greater then I thought. I was unable to even get out of bed long enough yesterday to take a shower or do the laundry. The man I have come to love more then anything had to help me walk the five feet from the bed to the restroom. That is when it started to soak in. How am I any good to anyone if I cant move. The pain got so bad I had to take pain pills and I have been avoiding them for the last few months. They keep promising that things will get better. Yet I am losing hope. The war that is being fought within grows it seems until I am ready to explode and then a calm null sets in. I am awaiting that calmness. I was able to get out of bed today and shower but I found myself sitting on the floor of the shower with the water cascading around me in tears as I held handfuls of hair in my hands. It proved to me that I am with the worlds best man though. After being in there for over an hour I guess he got worried and came to see if i was okay. He found me sitting there with the icy water pounding away in tears holding what had once been my hair. All women with long hair know that it is normal to "shed" a little when you brush it and wash it, but when you have handfuls it brings tears to your eyes. Being the sweet man that he is he turned off the water wrapped me in a towel and carried me to the bed (not an easy task even though I have lost allot of weight I am still 128lbs) there he held me close and let me know that things would be okay. At a time like this laughter is the best thing and he has been able to make me laugh each and every day. When the tears were strongest he told me to look on the bright side at least we would save money on shampoo.. Then he reminded me that Britney Spears had her picture in every news paper around when she went bald.. Bald is back in. :) To many of you I know that this seems strange to be saying but it helped me over that pity party i was throwing. Yet now i sit here writing wishing I had a picture of me from before that was a good one. I don't want my kids to see me like this. I don't want the world to see me like this. I guess you can call me vain and petty. I am just sick of looking in the mirror and seeing a yellow monster look back at me. NO matter how many times the man of my dreams tells me i am pretty and sexy I don't feel it. I have two weeks until the next treatment and here i sit still feeling like crap. The last one didn't hit so hard. I was up and going a week after. As though nothing had happened. Its been two weeks now and the war hasn't stopped. People keep saying I am one of the strongest people they know because of everything I have been through in life. The thing is that no one knows about this. Because I don't want them to I don't want their pity and their shame. I have enough of that as it is on my own but I fear I am failing. I am not that strong. I am weak. I don't know if I can go on much longer. How can one be strong when they sit in a shower and cry? How can one be strong when they don't have energy enough to even cook a meal for their loved one? How can one be considered strong when they cant even clean the house? When all they want to do is sleep yet cant. How can I be a strong person when I feel so low.. I hope the self pity part leaves on the next breeze because it is getting to me. I honestly don't know how much more I can handle. I need at least one good week between treatments so i can get things ready for the next war that will come my way. Even the best troops need to have reinforcements. I guess all I can do is hold on to hope and pray that this battle will soon be won...

.... A Dream on the Wind...