The Winds of Rejection

It's funny how we go through our lives each and every day trying to do our best trying to make things better only to be rejected. There are so many different kinds of rejections that we face in our lives some touch home others we blow off and never think about again. Today I have spent most of the day thinking about rejection... Yesterday was a day out of hell for me I found myself wallowing in self pity then night hit I thought things would get better as the sun set, LOL how wrong I was.. Things went from bad to worse.. I was an idiot and thought hey I will give it one more shot to become Friends with a certain someone who is destroying my life. So I sent an email to this person.. All it said was hi hope you have a great day today. I am just writing this to see if maybe some time you would like to hang out and get to know each other better.. that was all.. Well low and behold I was already not having the best day and the man of my dreams got back from getting yet another medication in a pissed off mood. Seems that this person i sent the email to had to call him and let him know i was contacting them and that I had said a whole lot of crap I hadn't.. I know I shouldn't of but I lost it and I asked him if this certain person had to tell him every time they wiped there ass and how many squares they used as well.. Then I made him sit down at the computer and I made him read the email I had sent. After which he was even more upset but this time at the other person because I really didn't need the added stress to my day.. Now I sit here knowing that once again my attempts at starting a friendship have been rejected.. I am in desperate need of a friend here right now, all of mine are states away and it is getting hard. The man in my life is wonderful and amazing but at times you just need a girl friend to talk to. But here I sit rejected once again.. Then things took an ugly turn. At around 1:30 am I woke in pain like none I have ever felt. I have had three children one of which was an emergency cesarean with out time for pain meds.. (very long story one day I will share since they think that might be part of the cause of my problems now) So by 2am when the pain hadn't gotten any better the man in my life took me into the clinic. When I say the clinic it is not some back woods clinic. It is world known Mayo Clinic. Well here I am at 2 am in the clinic curled in a ball in so much pain that the morphine they are giving me isn't helping and the Dr's give us the news we have been fearing. My body is rejecting the new treatments. That is why I have been so sick for so long. The only thing that they can do is try and flush my system and get the drugs out.. Great just what i need more needles in my already punctured body.. But at that point if it would stop the pain I didn't care. So flush away. So there I sat rejected once again.. The funny part is that today after I got some sleep I feel as though I could take on the world. I haven't felt this strong in months. I haven't had energy like this in weeks. The love of my life seems to think it is because 1. there isn't a mini war going on inside my body anymore 2. because I finally got some sleep 3. because I am not pumped full of medications and 4. because I am according to him in a fighting mood. Not meaning that the two of us are fighting just the opposite we are closer now then we ever have been and happier now then we have been for awhile meaning that I am ready to take on any and everything today. He says I am like a mother bear protecting her cubs. I on the other hand think its because I am fed up with all the rejection. I honestly cant take any more.. I am at the end of my rope.. There is nothing I can do about it though and that pisses me off.. My moods change so fast anymore you would think I was going through menopause.. Hell I am only 29. But if i am not drained I am crying or pissy or sad or happy or glad or everything in between. I am just sick of feeling like nothing I do is good enough I am sick of the rejection.. I don't know what else to do to even have this person give a friendship a shot and I know that at least my life would be better if they would.. that old saying keep your friends close but your enemies closer well that is where this person fits in.. I have no clue what other treatments to try I am ready to just give up on all of them. Sadly I cant do this. The Dr say with out the treatments they cant guaranty anything yet with them they cant guaranty anything.. I told them today that I was going to go off everything for at least two weeks if I can I told them that if it starts to look bad again I will go back on but I want to see if maybe at least my hair will stop falling out.. I know how can I be so vain. Its easy I am sick of rejection. Wow talk about ranting today.. I think this is the longest I have sat up and wrote in weeks. Sadly I am ready to lay down for a few.. He res to another day and another rejection


... A Dream on the wind..