A promising wind...

I had planed to write tonight but I find that I am in need of bed and since we don't have a Lap top it isn't possible for me to sit up and write much now. But as sure as a new breeze will come I will write again when my strength is better, when Once again I have it in me to sit here and type the words that I have written on paper. For I am still writing just unable to type it out at this moment..

a dream on the wind

The Winds of Rejection

It's funny how we go through our lives each and every day trying to do our best trying to make things better only to be rejected. There are so many different kinds of rejections that we face in our lives some touch home others we blow off and never think about again. Today I have spent most of the day thinking about rejection... Yesterday was a day out of hell for me I found myself wallowing in self pity then night hit I thought things would get better as the sun set, LOL how wrong I was.. Things went from bad to worse.. I was an idiot and thought hey I will give it one more shot to become Friends with a certain someone who is destroying my life. So I sent an email to this person.. All it said was hi hope you have a great day today. I am just writing this to see if maybe some time you would like to hang out and get to know each other better.. that was all.. Well low and behold I was already not having the best day and the man of my dreams got back from getting yet another medication in a pissed off mood. Seems that this person i sent the email to had to call him and let him know i was contacting them and that I had said a whole lot of crap I hadn't.. I know I shouldn't of but I lost it and I asked him if this certain person had to tell him every time they wiped there ass and how many squares they used as well.. Then I made him sit down at the computer and I made him read the email I had sent. After which he was even more upset but this time at the other person because I really didn't need the added stress to my day.. Now I sit here knowing that once again my attempts at starting a friendship have been rejected.. I am in desperate need of a friend here right now, all of mine are states away and it is getting hard. The man in my life is wonderful and amazing but at times you just need a girl friend to talk to. But here I sit rejected once again.. Then things took an ugly turn. At around 1:30 am I woke in pain like none I have ever felt. I have had three children one of which was an emergency cesarean with out time for pain meds.. (very long story one day I will share since they think that might be part of the cause of my problems now) So by 2am when the pain hadn't gotten any better the man in my life took me into the clinic. When I say the clinic it is not some back woods clinic. It is world known Mayo Clinic. Well here I am at 2 am in the clinic curled in a ball in so much pain that the morphine they are giving me isn't helping and the Dr's give us the news we have been fearing. My body is rejecting the new treatments. That is why I have been so sick for so long. The only thing that they can do is try and flush my system and get the drugs out.. Great just what i need more needles in my already punctured body.. But at that point if it would stop the pain I didn't care. So flush away. So there I sat rejected once again.. The funny part is that today after I got some sleep I feel as though I could take on the world. I haven't felt this strong in months. I haven't had energy like this in weeks. The love of my life seems to think it is because 1. there isn't a mini war going on inside my body anymore 2. because I finally got some sleep 3. because I am not pumped full of medications and 4. because I am according to him in a fighting mood. Not meaning that the two of us are fighting just the opposite we are closer now then we ever have been and happier now then we have been for awhile meaning that I am ready to take on any and everything today. He says I am like a mother bear protecting her cubs. I on the other hand think its because I am fed up with all the rejection. I honestly cant take any more.. I am at the end of my rope.. There is nothing I can do about it though and that pisses me off.. My moods change so fast anymore you would think I was going through menopause.. Hell I am only 29. But if i am not drained I am crying or pissy or sad or happy or glad or everything in between. I am just sick of feeling like nothing I do is good enough I am sick of the rejection.. I don't know what else to do to even have this person give a friendship a shot and I know that at least my life would be better if they would.. that old saying keep your friends close but your enemies closer well that is where this person fits in.. I have no clue what other treatments to try I am ready to just give up on all of them. Sadly I cant do this. The Dr say with out the treatments they cant guaranty anything yet with them they cant guaranty anything.. I told them today that I was going to go off everything for at least two weeks if I can I told them that if it starts to look bad again I will go back on but I want to see if maybe at least my hair will stop falling out.. I know how can I be so vain. Its easy I am sick of rejection. Wow talk about ranting today.. I think this is the longest I have sat up and wrote in weeks. Sadly I am ready to lay down for a few.. He res to another day and another rejection


... A Dream on the wind..

the winds of self pitty

Today I sit here writing hoping that by putting my feelings down in words it will help. I find that as I sit here I am surrounded in pity. It is one of those days when it feels as though the weight of the world is upon my shoulders and I just cant go one. It started out with yet another sleepless night. The war that is going on inside my body right now is taking a toll on me that is greater then I thought. I was unable to even get out of bed long enough yesterday to take a shower or do the laundry. The man I have come to love more then anything had to help me walk the five feet from the bed to the restroom. That is when it started to soak in. How am I any good to anyone if I cant move. The pain got so bad I had to take pain pills and I have been avoiding them for the last few months. They keep promising that things will get better. Yet I am losing hope. The war that is being fought within grows it seems until I am ready to explode and then a calm null sets in. I am awaiting that calmness. I was able to get out of bed today and shower but I found myself sitting on the floor of the shower with the water cascading around me in tears as I held handfuls of hair in my hands. It proved to me that I am with the worlds best man though. After being in there for over an hour I guess he got worried and came to see if i was okay. He found me sitting there with the icy water pounding away in tears holding what had once been my hair. All women with long hair know that it is normal to "shed" a little when you brush it and wash it, but when you have handfuls it brings tears to your eyes. Being the sweet man that he is he turned off the water wrapped me in a towel and carried me to the bed (not an easy task even though I have lost allot of weight I am still 128lbs) there he held me close and let me know that things would be okay. At a time like this laughter is the best thing and he has been able to make me laugh each and every day. When the tears were strongest he told me to look on the bright side at least we would save money on shampoo.. Then he reminded me that Britney Spears had her picture in every news paper around when she went bald.. Bald is back in. :) To many of you I know that this seems strange to be saying but it helped me over that pity party i was throwing. Yet now i sit here writing wishing I had a picture of me from before that was a good one. I don't want my kids to see me like this. I don't want the world to see me like this. I guess you can call me vain and petty. I am just sick of looking in the mirror and seeing a yellow monster look back at me. NO matter how many times the man of my dreams tells me i am pretty and sexy I don't feel it. I have two weeks until the next treatment and here i sit still feeling like crap. The last one didn't hit so hard. I was up and going a week after. As though nothing had happened. Its been two weeks now and the war hasn't stopped. People keep saying I am one of the strongest people they know because of everything I have been through in life. The thing is that no one knows about this. Because I don't want them to I don't want their pity and their shame. I have enough of that as it is on my own but I fear I am failing. I am not that strong. I am weak. I don't know if I can go on much longer. How can one be strong when they sit in a shower and cry? How can one be strong when they don't have energy enough to even cook a meal for their loved one? How can one be considered strong when they cant even clean the house? When all they want to do is sleep yet cant. How can I be a strong person when I feel so low.. I hope the self pity part leaves on the next breeze because it is getting to me. I honestly don't know how much more I can handle. I need at least one good week between treatments so i can get things ready for the next war that will come my way. Even the best troops need to have reinforcements. I guess all I can do is hold on to hope and pray that this battle will soon be won...

.... A Dream on the Wind...