A failing wind...

I sit and write today feeling that I am set a drift on a failing wind. I feel as though I am failing in all I say and do. I find myself wondering thoughts I fear are true... At night I dream of things that wake me in a cold sweat. I hope that these feelings will fly away on the next prevailing wind. Yet I fear they are here to stay.
I find myself failing to keep the interest of the one I love. Maybe if I were better things would be diff rent. If I were better looking, if I were thinner, maybe smarted, if I kept the house cleaner if it felt more like a home. Hell maybe if I were just someone else all together then things would be different.
I am finding that I wonder what I am doing so wrong that the little things I crave are not there. Maybe if I were someone else then I wouldn't be hidden away. Maybe then I would be part of his life and not just some "dirty little secret". Maybe then he would want me to meet his family and friends. I long for the day he will meet my kids, Yet here I sit watching the sun rise and fall day after day never meeting a soul..
Some one stops by and I am hidden from view as though I were a leaper or a carrier of The Swine Flu. Are my looks that bad? Friends call yet WE never go out. We don't do anything outside the home at least not together. Am I really that shameful to be seen with. I try to make our home comfortable, one that he can be proud of. One that is comfortable and friendly yet, no one is allowed inside if I am there. Am I that bad?
I long for the nights to come so we can spend time together. Yet we seem to be apart even as we sleep. Just to have his arms around me I feel needed and wanted. As though I belong. Is there some part of me that is failing as a woman that makes it so he doesn't want to hold me? Am I inadequate in some way?
Do I not express my love enough or in the wrong way? Is there something that I can do different? I find that I dread the calls from my family because they always ask the same thing and I am unable to answer them. "Have you met his family yet? How are his friends?" I feel I am failing everyone because I am unable to answer.
The winds are blowing This night as I prepare to go to bed alone. I know the dreams are coming and there is nothing I can do. The only time that they stay at bay is when he holds me close. Yet somehow I have failed him there as well and he doesn't seem to notice if I am close or not.
Maybe someday I will find where all my mistakes have been and he will let me in his life. Maybe one day I will meet his family and I will stop being his "dirty little secret" as my friends are calling me. Maybe one day his friends will stop in to say hi! Hell maybe someday I will be something he doesn't have to hide.
Until that day I will go on as I am now. Loving him, longing for his touch. I will wake each day enjoying being next to him.. I will spend each moment falling deeper in love with him.. Why because I LOVE HIM..


........ A dream on the wind ........