I sit here in the dark and write tonight as I await a text from the one I love with all my heart and soul. I write because my mind is confused right now and this is a way to maybe let it air out. Today was one of the best days I have had for a very long time. I am finally going home to the arms of a wonderful man. I am finally not stressed over the top. Don’t get me wrong I am still stressing over more then I should but for once I am half way at peace. Today was one of the first days in a long time that I wasn’t in tears for most of it. Stupid me. I thought that the full day would be as great as it had started out. Hence where the confusion starts to creep in.
My father is in pretty poor health and has been for years. The last few years have been really hard on him and according to my family they were because of the choices I had made. The biggest one being that my ex husband and I got divorced. Since I have been with the man I am now with my fathers health has seemed to not improve but it hasn’t declined any either. If you ask my brother who is just younger then me it is because my father knows I am happy and in good hands. Yet if this were the case, then why when I let him know the travel plans today dose he suddenly take a turn for the worse. Is it simply bad timing, or did my telling him that I am going home in a week have something to do with his mini-stroke he had today? If my leaving is such a big thing to him then why has he been pushing for me to go and causing so much stress on me? Dose it not matter to him that I am happy, that I am loved, that I want to go? If him seeing me happy has made it so his health has stopped decreasing then why when I have been so miserable these last few weeks without the one I love has my father’s health not continued to decrees?
It isn’t only the health of my father that has me so confused. Right now I am having to look at friendships that once meant a great deal to me and reevaluate them. I am learning now who my true friends are and are not. A true friend is there when you need them to be. If it is ..3 am.. and you are just feeling down in the dumps a true friend is the one that is there talking you through it. When you tell someone that you wish you could just pay them to shoot you a true friend is the one that tells you they will bring their own gun and do it for nothing more then a favor. Come to find out all that favor consist of is you spending some time with them after which they will shoot you themselves.. That’s a true friend. But most of all a true friend is happy for you no matter how they feel about the choice you are making. If it is something that makes you happy then they are there to back you up. Even if deep down they think it is a mistake. A true friend will let you make those mistakes in life but will be there to pick you up after knowing that this one time might be the right choice and if it is then they want to be there to see you happy.. Because that’s what friends do.
As of late I have had a few people whom I considered friends show me that in truth they never really were that great of friends. If they had been the kind of friend that I thought then they would be happy for me. They might not like it but they would still be happy for me. Thankfully at the same time I have found who my true friends are. They have told me how they feel about things that are happening and then they have said “as long as you’re happy that’s what matters”. My favorite is “It’ not my life I don’t have to like what you do, I only have to like you”. The one that sticks with me every day is “Fuck everyone else do what you want to do and be happy, this kind of happiness only comes once in a lifetime, you know where I am if you need me” Those are the true friends. Not the ones who have been telling me what I need to do or that I am not considering anyone else in my choices.
I am just confused tonight is all and this is just ramblings of a mind that is not thinking. All I know right now is that I have an awesome man that I am going home to, one that I love with all my heart and soul. I have a few great friends who have been there for me through a lot and are still true friends.. I could name them but I don’t need to because they know who they are.. They are the true friends that will drive 80 miles an hour in the middle of a snow storm just to see you scream.. They are the ones who just know when you need a beer after a hard days work even if you just walked in the door. They are the ones that make Gumby sleep on the floor so that you could have his spot on the bed, or go out at ..2 am.. in 19 degree weather to prove they know how to make bon fire and then warm you up after when the fire failed.. LOL.. Their the ones that find a way to pull you out of the mud when you are stuck, and are there to take you out for coffee when you just need an ear to listen to you rant and rave even if it is the first time they have seen you in a long long time (or ever).. Those are the friends that are true to you in life. Thanks guys.
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