The Winds of Self Worth...

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

............ Unknown..............



Tonight as I sit and write these Words blew across my life once again. They bring hope and strength to me in my times of need. I am one of the worst people out there for seeing my self worth. I look at my self each day in the mirror and hate what I see. But like these words say I have done each and every thing they speak of.. There have been many times in my life when I have wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and there will be many many more, yet I smile and act as though nothing is wrong. I have found myself signing at the hardest of times just to hold back the tears so no one will know that there is something wrong. More tears of happiness have slid down my cheeks then I care to count and when I have found myself nervous I can recall the laughter that would ring out. Any one who knows me will tell you that if I believe in something with all my heart I will never back down and that when something in just takes place I will be the first one there to set it right. The word "no" has no meaning when I know that there is a way. There have been many times when I have gone without and there will be many many more to come so that the ones I love will never have to know what it fills like. I would gladly give everything I have to shelter them from lives pain. My friends know that no matter what it may be no matter what time of the day I will be there for them if it is possible. Be it sitting in the delivery room when a husband can't make it, or staying up all night talking because they just need an ear to listen. That's what friends do. I know of no other kind of love then unconditional. Once you have my love it is there no matter what you may say or do. I have shed many tears over the things my kids have done, from the first breath they took to the first steps they walked, isn't that what all mothers do? Many nights I sat and watched as one friend or another reached some goal in life. As each and every one of them walked across a stage one night and were handed their diplomas I sat there in the stands and my voice rang through the air. When I got married I had three friends who swore they wouldn't marry for sometime yet when all three found a man to love and honor I was there in thought and mind to cheer them on their way and as each one took on the challenge of motherhood I was there to help them if I could. Sadly my heart has broken many many times as I have stood by and watched the lifeless body of one friend after another be lowered into the cold hard earth. As each family member of mine has passed away I grieved as any one will. Yet I have always found the strength to go one even when I didn't think I could. any times it has been because of these words and many more because of the great friends that i am lucky enough to have. The greatest healing tool that we have isn't medicine or technology. No matter what advance we as humans come out with none can heal the pain a friend feels deep in there heart after a loss like your arms wrapping round them letting them know your there. Nothing can cause the pain to leave as fast as a kiss given out of love can. Through out the years I have been many shapes.. yes I stand by the saying that round is a shape because for years I was round. I haven't always had the body I now have.. That comes from lots and lots of hard work and sacrifice.. Some of my favorite moments have been my morning coffee with a wonderful person over emails when we find the time. On days when I am down I can open my inbox and find a letter or a note. I try to do the same just out of the blue to bring a smile to the faces of those I care about. I know I am not the best at times and that weeks might go by when they hear nothing from me but when I can I try to send them something just to let them know I care. A woman dose have everything to give and most times we give it with out even knowing that we have. There have been so many times that I didn't even know I gave until looking back on them now. I know that I don't see my self worth like others see it in me. Just as each and everyone out there doesn't see theirs. When your down and out when your at the end of your rope. When hope has left you and you feel you cant go on. Read these words and then do as I have. Take each saying apart and think about it. You are worth so much more then you think..

The winds of loss

I came across this in some of my older writings today. As I sat and read it I recalled the day I wrote it and the feelings I felt. So now I am sending it out into the world on the wind hoping maybe it will touch the life of someone new..

The worst feeling

There's never worse a feeling
Then when looking into a child's eyes
There face gone white, and lips gone silent
As their to afraid to cry

There's an unsteady and eerie feeling
When the toys are put away
When no mud tracks are on the carpet
And the child has nothing to say

There's a deathly rim of silence
When the child sits alone
When there's no warmth in his finger
And no expressions are freely shown

There's no way for you to comfort them
When they hear a loved one is gone
As they find out death and reality
Is not just a mournful song

A lump is brought upon your throat
When you don't know what to say
Watching as they slowly kneel down
And you quietly hear them say

"God if your up there
Please look this way and listen to me
There's no one else that I can go to
That can calm away this agony"

..............................................

...A dream on the wind.....

Questions on the wind

I was asked a question the other day and I found my answer.. It was strange because it floated to me on the wind.. The question I was asked was "How can you say that you love someone if you have never met them?" You see the man that I am madly deeply and oh so in love with and I didn't meet in the traditional way. Before we ever saw each other face to face we had already fallen in love. In fact the first time he ever said " I Love You " was in a text half a country away.. In answer to the question I was asked I wrote this...

Ask the Blind Man...

When asked how one could love another..with out ever seeing them
How feelings could be so strong.. or if they were even true
I answered with a question of my own that rang out with honesty...

If a man sits next t his wife of 30 pulse years
holding her hand as the grandchildren play near by
as he turns to whisper sweet nothings in her ear...
Is it not true simply because he's blind?

The blind man has never laid eyes on his bride.. yet dose he love her any less?
He may not know what she looks like in a crowded room.. but he could pick her out without even a sound
He may not know if her hair is gold or brown..But he could tell you if she's happy by the way she moves around
In all honesty the blind man is the lucky one because he can not see..
The love he shares for his wife is from the inside looking out
he was able to fall in love without a second glance
So is it possible to love someone without ever seeing them?
Ask the blind man... or better yet ask his WIFE..

....................................................................................

I hope that might answer the question that was asked of me...

.................... A Dream on the Wind ...................

The winds of jealousy

A new wind has blown through my life today. I have never been a jealous person. I had friends who were in the past and it never struck me as something I would be. So much has happened through out my life that I could have been jealous about. My friends always had better clothes then I did. I was the poor one who wore hand me downs and thrift store clothes. My mother made my prom dresses, but none of that bothered me growing up. My best friend in the world cheated on me with my boyfriend and then started dating him. It hurt but I wasn’t jealous. I have always been the ugly duckling out of my circle of friends but I was okay with that. It just meant I didn’t have to spend as much time worrying about what I looked like or who saw me because people would look to my friends first. In the nine years I spent married to a man I never got jealous when he would go out of town on his “business trips” or even at the end of the marriage when he started to bring his girlfriends home and I was sleeping on the kitchen floor. (Yes it was a great marriage and some day I will write about it) But As I sit here tonight I find that I am extremely jealous. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who I care about more then anything in life. He is my life.. Yet he has a friend who has been his friend for years long before I came into the picture. And yes it is a female friend. He knows and I know that she would like the friendship to be a lot more then just a friendship. She just strikes me the wrong way. She can and dose call at all hours of the night and it doesn’t matter what we may be doing. He will stop and answer her call or text her back. Yet when I call or text him he hardly ever answers and even more seldom returns my call. She has a myspace page and has been leaving little things on it such as hoping to hang out next week or wishing on a star or little things that just set me off the wrong way. I tried to be friends with her invite her over to the house while he was at work things like that but she wouldn’t come over as long as I was home the moment I leave town she is there all night watching movies and making sure I know she was there.. I trust the man I am with fully I know that nothing happened and I know that as long as him and I are together nothing will happen. But at the same time I wish she would go away. It is hard because he works long hours yet he always finds the time to talk to her or spend time with her. I wish he would do the same for me.. We live together but he has gone out with her more then he has me. He will go and play pool with her yet he has never once even asked me if I would like to go.. These are such new feeling for me that I am going insane I have never felt this before and I don’t know how to handle it.. Do I tell him how I feel..? Do I tell her how she makes me feel? Or do I just learn to live with it.. I wish the winds would blow some advice my way for I am at a loss…. Some one anyone please help…

Tears in the wind

I find as I sit here and write the last blog I may write for a while that as a new wind blows about it is filled with tears. I am finishing my laundry now as I type, packing the last of my things, and getting ready to leave for a 5 am trip to the airport where I am taking to the winds and going home. Yet the wind is filled with tears. My father is already in tears because I am leaving. No matter how many times I tell him I will return. No matter how happy I am, nor the fact that I am returning to a wonderful man who loves me and I love him. My father still sits in his room in tears. I find myself confused about it and hurt at the same time. I am confused because all four of my brothers have left for distances farther then I travel. Three out of the four are still gone. When my brothers return to my parent’s home to visit, my father doesn’t shed a tear over them returning to their homes. Yet when the time comes for me to leave his tears won’t stop. Is it because I am the only girl, because I am daddy’s little girl? Are the tears because he doesn’t want me to leave? Are they falling because he feels that I shouldn’t go? I am an adult I need to live my life. I have made a home with a wonderful man and I long to return to it. I may be his little girl but that doesn’t mean that I won’t come and visit again. Can’t I be his little girl while I am in the place with the person I long to be with? Can’t he see that I am happy? A time that was filled with joy and excitement for me is turning into a time of trial and hurt. I hate making my dad cry but at the same time I long to go home, I long to be in the arms of an amazing man who holds my heart. Maybe I am wrong for leaving, yet how can I be wrong if that is where my heart is? All I know is I am going home, but I will come back to visit. I will still call and email. The pictures will still be sent. Nothing is changing other then I am going home. If that makes me a bad person then I am sorry. I never wanted the tears to blow in the wind..

A confusing wind...

I sit here in the dark and write tonight as I await a text from the one I love with all my heart and soul. I write because my mind is confused right now and this is a way to maybe let it air out. Today was one of the best days I have had for a very long time. I am finally going home to the arms of a wonderful man. I am finally not stressed over the top. Don’t get me wrong I am still stressing over more then I should but for once I am half way at peace. Today was one of the first days in a long time that I wasn’t in tears for most of it. Stupid me. I thought that the full day would be as great as it had started out. Hence where the confusion starts to creep in.

My father is in pretty poor health and has been for years. The last few years have been really hard on him and according to my family they were because of the choices I had made. The biggest one being that my ex husband and I got divorced. Since I have been with the man I am now with my fathers health has seemed to not improve but it hasn’t declined any either. If you ask my brother who is just younger then me it is because my father knows I am happy and in good hands. Yet if this were the case, then why when I let him know the travel plans today dose he suddenly take a turn for the worse. Is it simply bad timing, or did my telling him that I am going home in a week have something to do with his mini-stroke he had today? If my leaving is such a big thing to him then why has he been pushing for me to go and causing so much stress on me? Dose it not matter to him that I am happy, that I am loved, that I want to go? If him seeing me happy has made it so his health has stopped decreasing then why when I have been so miserable these last few weeks without the one I love has my father’s health not continued to decrees?

It isn’t only the health of my father that has me so confused. Right now I am having to look at friendships that once meant a great deal to me and reevaluate them. I am learning now who my true friends are and are not. A true friend is there when you need them to be. If it is ..3 am.. and you are just feeling down in the dumps a true friend is the one that is there talking you through it. When you tell someone that you wish you could just pay them to shoot you a true friend is the one that tells you they will bring their own gun and do it for nothing more then a favor. Come to find out all that favor consist of is you spending some time with them after which they will shoot you themselves.. That’s a true friend. But most of all a true friend is happy for you no matter how they feel about the choice you are making. If it is something that makes you happy then they are there to back you up. Even if deep down they think it is a mistake. A true friend will let you make those mistakes in life but will be there to pick you up after knowing that this one time might be the right choice and if it is then they want to be there to see you happy.. Because that’s what friends do.

As of late I have had a few people whom I considered friends show me that in truth they never really were that great of friends. If they had been the kind of friend that I thought then they would be happy for me. They might not like it but they would still be happy for me. Thankfully at the same time I have found who my true friends are. They have told me how they feel about things that are happening and then they have said “as long as you’re happy that’s what matters”. My favorite is “It’ not my life I don’t have to like what you do, I only have to like you”. The one that sticks with me every day is “Fuck everyone else do what you want to do and be happy, this kind of happiness only comes once in a lifetime, you know where I am if you need me” Those are the true friends. Not the ones who have been telling me what I need to do or that I am not considering anyone else in my choices.

I am just confused tonight is all and this is just ramblings of a mind that is not thinking. All I know right now is that I have an awesome man that I am going home to, one that I love with all my heart and soul. I have a few great friends who have been there for me through a lot and are still true friends.. I could name them but I don’t need to because they know who they are.. They are the true friends that will drive 80 miles an hour in the middle of a snow storm just to see you scream.. They are the ones who just know when you need a beer after a hard days work even if you just walked in the door. They are the ones that make Gumby sleep on the floor so that you could have his spot on the bed, or go out at ..2 am.. in 19 degree weather to prove they know how to make bon fire and then warm you up after when the fire failed.. LOL.. Their the ones that find a way to pull you out of the mud when you are stuck, and are there to take you out for coffee when you just need an ear to listen to you rant and rave even if it is the first time they have seen you in a long long time (or ever).. Those are the friends that are true to you in life. Thanks guys.

Ok I am done ranting and raving for the night, I will call it quits now that your minds are as confused as mine..

The stillness of winds…

As I sit here and write an eerie feeling has come over me. No winds blow tonight. There is a dead stillness that has steeled upon me. A bleak nothingness rests upon my weary soul. I am a nothing lost in a vast sea of emptiness set a drift with no where to go. All I can do is sit and wait. Hope that soon some form of wind will find my empty sails and set them a drift once more. I am losing hope in all that is and was, in all that waits to be. It is all I can do to hold on to the last remaining fragments of my heart grasping at the few straws that are given to me. I find I am getting closer each time the sun sets to releasing my soul to take flight one last time on the final breeze of life. I fear that this stillness that I am caught in is the calm before the storm. I pray that it is just a loll in life’s hectic path. I find myself searching for the hand I long to hold to lead me out of the nothingness to hold me close once more. Soon some breeze must stir my empty sails and send me out of the sea I am now trapped within. Maybe as the sun kisses the sky come morn my sails will billow once again stretching tight and true. Maybe they will be filled with a breeze that will carry me home once more. The stillness is unsettling and I find that my mind has begun to wonder to thoughts I wish not to see. Pictures are being painted within my minds eye. Pictures of things that are destroying me as I sit and wait for the winds of life to come. Alone I drift through the eerie night. Praying wondering hoping waiting upon the winds of life..

The Winds of Doubt…

A steady wind has been blowing about me for the last few days and as each day passes it builds in strength. With each gust that pushes against my being more doubt is fed into my soul. I sit here day after day longing to go home. Waiting for that breeze that will carry me on my way. Night after night I am told it will soon be on its way. That soon I will find myself in the arms of the one I love so dear. Yet as each day comes to an end and the sun sinks from view, nothing has changed other then broken promises and tears. The winds of doubt feed upon the broken promises and gain strength with each one. How hard is it to take one min and return a text? Pick up the phone when it rings and say your busy but will call back.. When one can find the time for others in their life but not for the one they say they love.. Then yea the doubts begin to grow. The winds of doubt are cold, unforgiving, and relentless upon the soul. No shelter can be found from them and it is taking its toll. I am cold now and losing hope fast. I feel my heart breaking, shattering like a dropped glass. I sit here now hoping, dreaming, longing, that the winds will let up one day soon. For if I am forced to stay much longer I fear the worst will come. The time is fast approaching when I release my soul to the winds and let it soar for the last and final time. Knowing that the winds of doubt could so easily be gone, if only one would call or text, keep a promise that was given. Hell utter three simple words and the winds would even calm. “I love you” seems to be the calming force to all winds of life. Until then I try to hold on, be strong as I walk through the winds of doubt this day. I will hold out until the sun has gone, hoping that the winds of doubt will soon lose the power they hold..



>>>>> A Dream Upon The Wind <<<<<

The winds of disappointment…..

As I sit here in the wee hours of the morn the winds of disappointment blow strong through out. I have found myself hoping, wishing, dreaming, to soon go home and be back with the one I love. Tonight the gods played the cruelest trick of all upon us by sending the winds of disappointment to fill our souls. Just when the man I love thought things would be done and over with and we would be able to once again be in each others arms, he is told by the CEO of the company that it will be at least another month. My heart is breaking as I sit and write tonight. The wind is blowing strong and taking with it the pieces that are falling off. Taking them off the isle of hate and destruction to a distant land yet unseen. My vision is blurred from the tears of pain as they fall from my eyes. This last month has been the longest and hardest time I have had. How am I supposed to make it another? I can’t stay upon this isle or I won’t ever get off.. I need to feel the warmth of my love once more to give me the hope and strength I need to continue on. There seems to be no shelter from the winds of disappointment. They bear down upon my very soul in forces stronger then any I have known before. What have I done to anger the gods? What cruel trick of karma is this? I beg the gods and goddesses to please change the winds soon. Please send forth a wind to brighten my soul and take me off the isle I have found myself upon…take pity upon me please… lift this wind that blows….

………. A dream upon the wind ………….

The winds of hell .....

The winds of hell hath no remorse. They burn hot and pure as they sting your soul. I find that I am stuck within these winds today as I fight for my very existence. The isle of pain and deceit has taken me as a hostage and is fighting to keep me subdued. I fight and struggle to break free from its clasp only to be blown back in by the winds of hell once more. The harshness of the winds bitter and hateful song stings my eyes and burns my skin. I can feel the blisters of pain begin to swell upon my every limb. What have I done to be punished by the gods and goddess so..? Where did I turn wrong to bring this hellish wind upon my brow? Who did I wrong in some unseen past life? As I sit here tonight shivering from fright I burn from the heat of the hellish wind at my back. Scream its terrifying cream at me. Singing its dreaded song in my ear. Filled with pain and deceit do I believe the words it says? Are they true or being said to cause my heart more pain?

My isle of deceit and pain I am stuck upon is the home of my family. The hellish wind is the people who are suppose to love you more then anything no matter what. And the hellish wind that blows upon my life is their wants and wishes their minds and thoughts. They scream for me to stay, they badger for me to listen, and they threaten me with things unheard. If I were to believe the words they speak I would think that the one I love has forgotten me upon this isle that he is stringing me along until something new comes his way. How could it be possible that something which feels so right could in fact be wrong? Is it just the hellish winds way of cutting me to the bone? Is it a way to trap me here upon this isle of hate and deceit? I wish I knew the answer to which I seek. For maybe then I could find shelter from the winds of hell that are upon me this day….

…………. A dream on the wind …………

A lonely wind ........

Tonight as I sit a lonely forgotten wind blows through my life. I feel forgotten and lost. Confused and wondering. As each day passes I long to be back home yet for some unseen reason I am unable to go. For days it was talked about me leaving 2morow then it was pushed back until Tuesday but now nothing is in the works. It’s as though I have been forgotten by the gods once more. Doomed to be trapped upon this isle of destruction and hate for all eternity. I came to the isle for three reasons. 1. To see my children again. 2. To visit family and 3. Because the love of my life was being sent out of town on business and didn’t want me to be at home alone. That was a month ago. At the time we were expecting a strong wind to carry me home in two weeks.. That wind has never come. Instead A forgotten wind blows. My phone calls go unanswered; my nights are spent sitting up alone longing. Sleep is a thing of the past the has slipped away on the forgotten wind. I enjoyed the first few weeks upon the isle but it is time to leave. The destruction and hate are starting to set in. My family is determined that they can make me stay upon the isle with them and forget about the one I long to see. They are trying to convince me he has forgotten me thus why I am alone. The hatred for one another grows each day I remain. Tonight as the forgotten breeze blows ruffling my hair I find the tears slipping down my checks once more. Each unanswered call chips away at my heart more and more. I understand that work is an important part of ever life. But once I would like to be as well.. The forgotten wind is cold and lonely, I only hope it passes through my life quickly and with out a lasting effect..


……………….. A dream upon the wind ……….

Waiting on a breeze…

I have been sitting for a month now with no breeze to stir my life. I am missing the one thing that means the world to me more then anything I have known. It has been a month now since I have felt his touch, heard his soft breathing in my ear. The memory of his kiss, his smile, his laugh are fading on the passing breeze. I sit here wondering how much longer before a gentle breeze will come and take me home. How much more time must pass before I am once again in the arms of the one I love. Is it wrong to miss someone so fully that all else stops to exist? Is it bad that I can’t sleep nor eat because the loneliness has crept in? I am wasting away as each day passes waiting for the breeze that will carry me home. Maybe if I wait long enough I will have wasted away enough that even the smallest of breezes can reach out and pick me up. I have heard it said that as time goes by the loneliness and emptiness that one feels starts to lessen. I don’t know what breeze these people have been floating on for I find that with each passing day, each hour that drags by, each minute that I am alone and each second that he is gone seems to become longer and longer. With time it hasn’t gotten easier instead it has become harder to live. I can only hope and pray to the gods and goddesses that soon my breeze will find me and soon I will be in his arms again..